A Horrible Day.....
I'm not competitive with my results with my fellow classmates cos I know I"m not good enuff for all that, so as long as it reached or near my targetted marks, I'll be happy.... who cares wat other gets.
But don't know why, sometimes I still can't get it out of my mind... I put in effort too but why?? Confused.
If read till here, don't understand then don't read alreadi cos the following will be very complicated...cos i'm in a confused stated......I think gonna have a nervous breakdown...
Had migraine yest, very bad one, almost get into CGH A&E this morning, really cannot take the pain alreadi hope to get admitted and see wat the neurogist and surgeon can do to my pain... I had enuff....is so unbearable... Thank God I have a good Mom who will use her strength to massage for me...sigh.. took a very strong medication to feel better.. had a ride to school so not too bad..
Went for tutorial, took back results, didn't turn out too bad for me.... Thank you Dr Kan...
Went for Principal study, didn't turn out good. She is on the verge to scream at me i think.... Feeling??? where to find?? I put alreadi lei... involvement.... how?? notes cannot even remember how to put feeling? I really doubt my abilities now... She said my mine in a mess, I agree.....cos very weak physically can't concentrate too... dont' know I trying hard alreadi... I need time maybe.....sigh... bad..
Then aural exam, sigh... gonna retake alreadi. Just can't hear lor ...can write a thing....
Bad BAdBAD....................................
However, bit of consolation today... got back orchestration... not bad result ...
Suppose to play for prayer meeting but teaching ended late couldn't make it for prayer meeting... hope to make it for next week...cos my turn...
Today saw a classmate passing a letter to a teacher thru a teacher, don't know wat is it but don't need to know anywhere. My tots at the point is why??after hearing wat Mr G said to her, I think I'll miss her presence..
She is so smart academically... and she is talent and smart. Leaving will be a lost to the School. But then the school also don't really know how to cherish her...
Nite.... silent... tots and tots... confused... fustrated. . no confidence.. need to read God's word... need to replenish...
Still feel the headache.... better sleep..... got to rearrange the history notes...
OH went shopping with minyu bought some crabtree stuff and a pair of slippers.... never die before... exam times still go shopping but i need that cos i need to destress or else I also don't know how........
sleeping time... or else tml headache will still be there...
End of Composition
Finally Composition module had come to an end after a 4 hours worth of presentation. For me, I rather dread to present my piece, cos I felt inferior. I dislike composition cos I just don't have the 'thing' for it. After listening to the whole class perform, my conclusion is most of the classmates had improved lots in their compositions. ME?? still like that... just can't compo... nvm is over.
I liked few of the pieces esp the Tangos ones and jazz (benny's was good). Got composition results after the concert, Thank God! Passed! I'm happy with the result. I don't expect any high marks cos I know where I stand. So be contented.
Now, my greatest fear...... Aural this fri...sigh...cry?? I also don't know... I think nobody can understand how I feel bah... who can not even I understand myself. Anyway Leave it in HIS hand.
Then a week of academic exam... wow...not yet start... don't even know how to prepare for history exam..
Maybe should start arranging the notes tomorrow or else sure can't finish..
Principal Study on Fri, Cham... this week didn't pract much trying to memorise my first movment.... only conquer 4 pges, still ahve 3 to go... Prelude didn't pract much and my third movment....sigh...
How to pass?? who can tell me? I don't know..........
I used to be able to cope with lots of works and stress but why not this?? Getting old?? ehehhhee...
HOpe not.
Lazy Afternoon
Came back from school today, considered early compared to other days.... fortunate.. but i felt so lazy to pract or do work... I think musicians are really temperamental..... I started to have that kind of feelings more now compare to when I first got into school.. Mainly also influenced by Glenn....who bitch so much....and temperamental. But I"m still not emotional enuff.Nvm..... just read few frens's blog, realise that I havn't post much entries lately. So, since i'm lazy to do work, so write blog....Today went for aural remedial class.... as usual hopes and disappointment.... Oh... now i'm in my room burning the new fragrant of Lamp Berger oil.... It's so nice, even my darling agreess.. he loves it so much which pay off my effort and $$$.Portfolios and portfolio don't understand why so many????????? But I"m so proud of myself I have left with 2 but the most hassle ones....Last sun, was good, went for sunday school, join uncle chuan ser's class, new experience even though topic we have gone through but it is so new... he bring out the parables in a different way. Played for the service that day. Was rather nervous cos hasn't played for a while. HOWEVER, must THANK GOD! I-ning said I played well and she gave me advice on how to improve on one of my fav hymns...... Darling said well too.... normally he will only said ok lor or not bad..... At least this is something nice to brighten up my day lor.... since don't when I already lost myself... can't think and smile much, too tired.... slept in lectures too.... Left the lunch early cos need to teach at 2pm, sometimes I wished I could stay longer to communicate with the other as some I hardly had a chance to talk during other days alreadi..... But I need to Earn $$$ or else I"ll eat air and far to my wedding too haahhaaaha........in my dreams...This sund cancelled lesson for the yishun students reasons -----ORCHESTRATION Exam lor..... but at least worth it...can pass my paper.Enuff of resting, got to go PRACT!!!Oh... RF how are you?? HOpe you are better now, will visit you after my exams ok....if need anything still can call or sms me....Readers..........I will be very happy if I can see you guys leaves comments on my tag board... thanx...
Exam Fever!
Have been very long didn't update my blog, was doing my homeworks rushing all the portfolio that are going to be due on 29th April. Auspicious day that all due on tat day! sigh.... work till we die...Then this two weeks are academic exam weeks. SEriously, I"m very scare. This sem seem so short, we don't seem to be able to prepare our exam in a luxurious way. Mr G leaving for his Dr program so got to cramp few subjects this week. Today just had orchestration paper, Thank God that Mr G had mercy on us, he didn't set the paper too difficult. Was a short and sweet paper, with the few hours of preparations, I think I can pass but to score a bit difficult but never min at this time can't be fussy alreadi.Still have two more portfolio, MOA and harmony. MOA really a headache. Really got to start tml or else sure can't hand up. So much typing to do. Analyse.... actually my impression of HER began to change alreadi.. Start to know and see something i doubt about her sincerity and 'real'Principle study gonna be on 25th MAy last one again.... Don't know how.... still have a fugue and 1st movement not memorise yet. They are so difficult. I spent 2 hours only manage to memorise 2 pages. The whole piece about 7 pages. When can I finish??? PRAY? I did, WAIT?? I don't know if i can afford that. Tell me wat to do?? I'm felt so abandon by God.... God Where are you? I prayed everyday... Every pract...I still wait lor...NOw my worst nightmare is Fri... Aural.... My greatest fear - Can't afford to fail but i still can't hear the interval.... Heart Cried so many times..... PRact?? Where got time?? I wish.... I don't wan to take aural next year .... Help me.... So many negative things happenings..... is it a test from GOD?? God Help me!
School Concert!
It was a chorus and percussion ensemble concert today. So tired after so many hours of rehearsals and normal school lesson. This morning in Mr Goh's orchestration lesson, i'm really on the verge of falling asleep right in front of him cos i'm really very tired.
Pract the Chaconne with Minyu, felt so bad...my notes are still so untidy...sorry... partner.....
I"ll try my best oki?
Then went for my group discussion on the mozart symphonies.... for an hour then left with 20 min lunch time...went opposite of school to eat.. gobbled my food actually.
Report at theatre at 2pm....Warm up and start singing....Cham cham....wat's wrong with everyone?? no sound, I can only hear Peixin and very soft from the rest..........there are some ppl who just refuse to open their mouth. They either chose the piece they want to, to sing or even they sing, they will be out of pitch, come in at the wrong time...don't understand...
Rehearsed till 3pm, followed by an hour break, but the classmate in the Chamber choir had to continue...goodness the had been singing since 11am....all of them really tired.
At 4pm, another hour of rehearse, when we sang the west side story, we have a section with lyric 'I feel pretty, I am entrancing...' Mr Goh just don't understand why can't we be happy and felt that way.... but frankly, we are all so tired by work....the yr 0 who don't have much workload don't want to sing, wat can we do??
Rehearsal ened at 5.30pm
Went for dinner with lynn, lixin, yifang and minyu, a unique combination.... hahaha.... we had delifrance...and again i'm disappointed with their food... I'll try not to eat their stuff again....
Concert at 7.30pm, we gathered at 7pm. Audiences filled up the audience seats (middle section) rather full. Quite surprise with the amount of ppl that come. We start with all the mass then follow by some romantic german, spainish love song then ended with rock gospel. It sounded all right which is good.... hope Mr G is happy with our singing today.
David came to watch the concert. So ask him for feedback, he said the programme too dry for layman like him. He said that the percussion pieces, he heard before. Then the said he can't stand so many masses music, he kept fidgeting about and pretty bored. Forturnately, there light hearted and romantic ones behind.
He also said that he like xiaoye and emmanuel's playing alot cos theirs have feelings.... haah....Even an audience can see tat, I wonder if that Lecturer can see that anot?? piano accomp teach wat??
Is so unfair to untalented students
On our way home, David told me beside the percussion music, he also heard and have the cd for the piece 'Wade for water' sang by Chamber choir. Wow... I"m shocked, then he said the first church in Australia sang in chorus way during the service. This is so cool...
Usually, I should be drinking till quite high alreadi at this time after school concert. Kinda of our norm to go drinking... but this year without Glenn and the amount of workload, it so imposisible.
Anyway, Good is over!
Devotion of the day
Woke up early today, think have been trained by school that I can't sleep late anyway. So woke up and decided to do devotion which I havn't been doing for very long. (few days).
Pray for guidance and despair in me.
This is wat I read from Streams of Desserts. God answered my prayer.
They looked..and there was the glory of the LORD apperaing in the cloud (exodus 16:10)The story goes:You should get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of storm clouds. And once you have found it, continue to focus on it rahter than the dark gray of the center. Do not yield to discouragment no matter how severely stressed or surrounded by problems you may be. A discouraged sould is in a helpless state, being neither able to "stand against the devil's schemes" himself nor able to prevailed in prayer for others. Flee every sympton of the deadly foe or discouragment as you would run from a snake. Never be slow to turn your back on it, unless you desire to eat the dust of biteer defeatSearch for specific promises of God, saying aloud of each one "this promise is mine". Then if you still experience feelings of doubt and discouragment, pour your heart out to God, asking him to rebuke the Adversary who is so mercilessly harrassing you.
The very instant you wholeheartedly turn away from every sympton of discouragment and lack of trust, the blessed Holy Spirit will reawaken your faith and breathe God's divine strength into your soul..Initially, may be unaware tat this is happening, but as you determine to shun every attack of even the tendency toward doubt and depression, you will see the powers of darkness being turned back.
All the miraculous attributes of the Godhead are marshaled on the side of even the weakerst believer who, in the name of Christ and in simple, childlike trust, yields himself to God and turns to HIm for help and guidance.
My sould be like a eagle, this is not its home, it must never lose it skyward look. I must keeep Faith, Hope, Courage and Christ.
Aren't they encouraging? I shall meditate on this. God give me strength and bless my FaithI hope it is encouraging to my reader of my blog too.
Leave comment....
A week worth - 27th mar to 1 apr
This is another happening week to me again...........Really can't stand school...........
Monday- spend two hours listening in the perf class and didn't learn much. We are treated as humans to scare and stress the performers. Like experimental sample... David started work that day...
Tues- He left, didn't had a chance to send him at the airport. My Dear Fren, take care, Won't see you again unless I can save up to see you before you go far away..... Can never see you in Singapore.....Sob sob......Thanks for being a fren to me.... you taught me lots.... and our drinking session, concerts...memories will be kept. hope you too!
Wed- Tired Tired.... the whole day packed of lesson.... can't help but doze off in class... Aural again... now listening to chorales.... my nightmare class, I can see My Lecturer's effort and concern for the minority of us... but I think I'm going to dissappoint him....No composition class but assignment due. till now still don't know how to start and to find musicians....sian....
Thur- coming to the end of the week, time past so fast... tml had to see ms ching and seem like hadn't pract enuff... NO time!!!! Didn't go to church cos I'm stress out by the school work and I'm so fustrated that I can practically scream at anyone that talk to me....Control Control!!
I don't know how long i can do tat.
Fri- As expected, pour 'wet blanket' by teacher of all the effort I had made... I really put my heart... but I really don't know how to express... I love my music but I'm always so worry over notes that I just can't relax.....
God where are you??? I've been praying for years....why are you not helping me....
I'm devastated, fustrated, anxious, nerve wrecking, disappointed and just can't stand my life now....not wat I had expected.
Argghhhhhhhhhhh.....................
